TEMPE, AZ—While trying to exit the tunnel beneath the law library on Thursday, Carl “Iceman” Bernard slipped through a vortex near the Bankruptcy Treatises and found himself in a strange land.
“I awoke on top of this giant mushroom,” said Bernard. “At that point I was pretty sure I had been transported through time and space, or had finally found the arts building. Either way, I was stoked.”
As he wandered through the mushroom forest, Bernard was attacked by a wild beast that looked like a cross between “a manatee, a falcon, and Andrew Luck.” Bernard escaped by running towards the beast in a frenzy, causing it to throw an interception and allowing him time to escape.
Bernard emerged from the mushroom forest into a peasant village with a large, glasslike castle in the distance. The villagers told him that an evil witch held them hostage.
“I still had an hour until Civ Pro, so I figured I could crank this out and get back in time to explain Pennoyer.”
The villagers equipped Bernard with a sword and bushel of magic radishes which they claimed could cure any disease. When he ate one of the radishes, Bernard found that he no longer needed corrective lenses to treat his lazy eye.
The adventure was cut short, however, when Bernard looked at his watch and saw that his class had started. In a rush to finish his quest, Bernard told the villagers that he had killed the witch and saved their village.
“Whatever happens to them now is really out of my hands.”
When he reemerged into our dimension, Bernard was detained by campus security for “Possession of Sword – Not Katana.” He showed the campus police several photos he took with his iPhone, and was released without further altercation.
“Look, this isn’t the first time a student has been transported into another dimension and it won’t be the last,” said campus police officer Sam Grundle. “The worst part is I’ve been patrolling ‘round here for twenty years and never once made it past the mushroom forest.”
Though he arrived at Civil Procedure with a note from campus security, his professor was not sympathetic. “A reasonable person couldn’t expect to slay the Great Witch Villiana in an hour, even with a bushel of radishes,” said Professor Kaipo Matsumura. “For that reason I had to charge him an absence.”
Bernard says he hopes to stumble through the vortex again in the future.
“I think a big reason you attend school is just for these types of experiences,” said Bernard. “I mean, when am I ever going to see an Andrew Luck monster again? I don’t ever plan on going to Indianapolis.”
Since Bernard’s adventure, the law library has reported seeing an angry mob of villagers near the bankruptcy treatises. A spokeswoman for the library is unsure whether the mob has anything to do with Bernard, or if they are trespassing anti-abortion protesters.