As we head into November, many 2Ls are awaiting summer job offers after surviving OCIs back in September. While the majority of students do not have a job lined up for the summer, a select few have already gotten great news.
One such fellow, Dick Riggins II, landed a summer associate job at Jackson Walker LLP in Dallas, Texas. In exchange for his soul and sanity, Dick will have the opportunity to make $30,000 in 10 weeks working with this prestigious big-oil firm.
Dick has been understandably excited since receiving the offer two weeks ago. In fact, he lets everyone know about it. Even though nobody cares. “Dick can be a real penis sometimes,” said fellow 2L Dan Bishop. “The guy has been an insufferable gunner from day one in Calleros’ class, but he really went next level douche by posting his Top-10 percent 1L grades on Instagram with the caption #thisDICKgoesHARD. So this does not surprise me.”
Added 2L Shawna Renalda, “I knew he would brag about the opportunity. And yeah, I gave him the classic fake smile and half-hearted ‘Congrats’ when he shared the news at the last Bar Review. But it’s been two weeks now, and Dick still cannot be bothered to talk about anything else.”
Yesterday, I got the chance to speak with the living legend himself. He exclaimed, “I am SO thrilled to get out of Phoenix for the summer. My dad is a senior partner in Fort Worth, and when I told him that I had to leave this hellhole for the summer, he made some calls and hooked it up. Dick Sr. (his father) is the MAN. He went way harder then the plebs in law school at UT Austin, and I’m really just trying to live up to his reputation.” Dick has already been spotted driving through campus in his 2014 BMW i8 with a recently purchased B1GOIL custom license plate.
When confronted with the news, Dana Laverigne, a 3L and former Texas native, had the final word. “You’re talking about the guy that spilled his drink on me at the Halloween party? The guy that went to Southern Methodist for undergrad because he was rejected at TCU? He can brag all he wants, but Arizona will be a better state when he leaves. What a dick.”