TEMPE, AZ—Finals are a stressful time for law students all across the country. After over three months of killing yourself preparing for class, only to cry your way through a cold call and earn the disrespect of your professors and pity of your classmates, you then have to actually show the professor that you remember some of the stuff they taught you. Luckily for you, The Daily Misnomer has a go-to guide to help you survive this miserable time. Let’s begin.
- Start drinking two hours before bedtime, at the rate of one drink per 20 minutes. This serves two purposes: It makes the final two hours of your day’s studying more bearable, and also puts you right to sleep after you misspell words while editing your outline for the final half hour. The best part of this rule: It’s very flexible. If you’re more of a heavy weight, feel free to start three hours before bedtime, or tighten the ratio up to one drink every ten minutes. Technically, anyone can do this, but results may vary. Note: Do not leave the house after you have started drinking. The temptation to do something fun will be too great, and you will likely go out and have a good time. Every law student worth their salt knows this is strictly forbidden any time after Thanksgiving.
- Masturbate more. I know this is controversial advice, but stop pretending like you don’t hammer the gavel/inflick emotional destress for just a minute and take my advice. This isn’t as simple as it sounds: You have to find the perfect balance. If you’re feeling tense, you’re doing it too little. If your roommates become concerned as to why you’re spending so much time locked in your room, you’re doing it too much. The ideal amount should have you feeling relaxed while only instilling in your roommates a mild sense of curiosity.
- Counterbalance every 8oz of coffee with one donut or heavily shmeared bagel. This has the benefit of giving you a caffeine boost, while keeping your stomach sufficiently full to avoid the dreaded Michael J. Fox caffeine tremors.The only thing more difficult than typing a final exam is doing it with hands that have seemingly separated themselves from your conscious nervous system.
- After each exam, go outside and get some fresh air. Set up a framed photo of Jesus (or a savior of your choosing), and listen to Sia’s “Alive” at a volume loud enough to reach the depths of your cold and lost soul. If your ears start to hurt, don’t worry. It’s a temporary side effect of the powerful musical reassurance. If you feel the need to cry, let it happen: your fellow students will understand.
- If 1-4 don’t seem to be working, here’s some last ditch advice (this one only works one time, so use it wisely). Purchase five scented candles and take them into the law school. Organize them on the ground beneath the framed photo of Justice O’Connor near the main entrance of the school, and light them. Kneel or lie prostrate before her, and pray the following prayer: “O Great One. Forgive me for disturbing your peace, but I am in need of your help. I offer you my soul. Though it is but a humble gift, I ask in return only that you walk with me through the Valley of the Shadow of Finals. Hear my plea!” Your soul will be taken by Justice O’Connor, and she will give you enough strength to survive the remainder of your exams. Also, she will now live approximately one month longer thanks to the nourishment of your soul.