TEMPE, AZ—In an effort to allay the very real concerns of micro-aggressed grown adult and law student Aba Klondike, Dean Douglas Sylvester called a special administrative meeting to discuss campus safety after the student was intellectually assaulted by his criminal law professor in class on Thursday.
Coming out of a meeting with several other members of the administration, Dean Sylvester noted that several good solutions had been discussed to stop such a vicious intellectual assault from ever occurring again. The Dean noted that in this early developmental stage, many young 1L law students were simply not prepared to be confronted with ideas that run contrary to their political beliefs and that such conflicting ideas could have destructive consequences on their tender, young minds.
“When Professor Pressley stated an opinion that conflicted with a deeply held political belief of one of his students, that was wrong. Professor Pressley should have known that such an idea is completely contrary to Ms. Klondike’s ideology, and could wreak havoc on her pre-conceived interpretation of what is politically correct. The Professor definitely violated Ms. Klondike’s right to a safe intellectual space in the classroom,” said Dean Sylvester, patting a teary-eyed Dean Williams on the back.
“We all feel so bad for Ms. Klondike,” he added.
The meeting resulted in a number of reforms to protect students from threatening thoughts, to be implemented this Monday.
“Starting Monday professors must give a trigger warning before stating any political opinion that every student in the class hasn’t already agreed with. Also, ear plugs will be provided before each class and if a student begins to feel uncomfortable about an opinion they disagree with, they can place the earplugs in one or both ears to drown out the noise,” he continued. “Chanting ‘ooo-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you’ is also an acceptable strategy to keep out the trauma.
“And Professor Pressley has been given notice that, like a dog, a second attack will result in termination,” chipped in Dean Sylvester, “we can’t apologize enough to the affected student. We just hope she’ll come through without PTSD.”
Following the incident an email was sent out to members of Professor Pressley’s class that counselors would be on site Monday to help students work through residual trauma.
The email also stated a new law campus policy:
“Should any student feel his political ideology has been challenged by a professor, we ask that they slam their laptop shut, go on a tirade and record the incident. Do not place yourself in danger by interacting with a professor one-on-one after the class as professors are often equipped with dangerous intellectual capabilities and they may further challenge your dogmatic agenda. Please go directly to the national media. It is the only rational thing to do.”