It’s now the second week in February, which means that while the rest of America is obsessing over stupid Valentine’s Day outfits and outings, you are getting ready to dominate your upcoming OCIs.*
*If you don’t know what OCI stands for, please stop reading now.
Now that the losers stopped reading, let’s get down to business. Everyone wants to ace their on-campus interviews, but nobody knows exactly how to prepare. Have no fear! With this guide, you will get more summer offers than Kevin Durant. Without further ado, here are six tips to dominate OCIs.
1. Show up One Minute Late, and Have a Killer Excuse
Arriving early is overrated and inefficient. Why waste 15 minutes nervously sitting and staring at the wall, when you can spend 16 minutes reading that Con Law case that will be covered in two weeks? One minute is not late enough for the interviewer to leave, but it definitely grabs their attention.
When you hurriedly rush in, make aggressive eye contact with the interviewer and say, “Just finished briefing a case for February 23rd. When hired, I will bring maximum efficiency to your work place, and I refuse to apologize for it.” Interviewers love potential employees that can bullshit, especially when done with a straight face.
2. Pick your Nose Five Seconds After Shaking Hands
This technique is not used frequently enough, but it can be a real X-factor. You don’t pick your nose beforehand because that’s just gross. But shoving your index finger into the recesses of your nostril five seconds later pays dividends whether you are seen or not.
If you get away with it, you receive a huge confidence boost on the spot. Think about it: if you can get away with picking your nose during a job interview, what can’t you get away with? And if the interviewer spots you, they instantly start wondering where else that hand has been, making you an interviewee of mystery and someone a firm can trust to do the dirty work. It’s a win-win my friends, because only winners have the audacity to pick their noses in public.
3. Before Answering any Questions, Ask the Interviewer Questions
The key to dominating an interview is for the interviewer to remember you afterwards. They speak with dozens of students, and every time the interview begins with them asking a softball question. BORING!!!
By asking the interviewer questions first, you will instantly release the interviewer from her monotonous routine and become a force to be reckoned with. When the senior partner asks her which candidate to bring in for another interview, she will remember you for making her day interesting and spicing up the process. Works 60% of the time every time.
4. Make Sure the Interviewer Catches a Whiff of Scotch on Your Breath
It’s really key to be subtle here, because interviewers are always looking for the little things that separate potential hires from also-rans. Don’t go crazy beforehand, but have a couple nice glasses of scotch to free your mind and show you are a seamless fit with the firm’s culture.
Around the 10-minute mark of the interview, sigh deeply when the interviewer asks a question. It serves three purposes: 1) Fulfills her self-serving need to feel that she asked a difficult question, 2) Makes it seem like you honestly care about the words that exit your mouth, and 3) Conveys to her that you casually drink scotch at 1:30 pm with lunch, which fits in beautifully with #Biglawlife.
5. Casually Give the Interviewer 15 Copies of your Resume and 20 Business Cards
When she asks why, tell her it’s so she can distribute them to everyone in the firm, and save the extras as samples for your future clients. She will LOVE your initiative.
6. The Artful Exit Fart
If an interviewer is going to hire you, they need to know you are comfortable in your own skin. John C. Reilly is a multi-millionaire who can undoubtedly attribute his career success to an exquisite mastery of the exit fart.
Do you want to follow in the footsteps of a well-dressed multi-millionaire, or do you want to be poor? That’s what I thought.
Please remember not to detrimentally rely on this guide for employment purposes. But if you follow these steps and still get rejected, it’s definitely the employer’s loss.