Student Enters Existential Crisis Following a Con Law Class

TEMPE, AZ—Last Tuesday, 1L Winston Smith was cold-called by Constitutional Law Professor Geoffrey Fry to discuss Brown v. Board of Education. Asked if he agreed with the Court’s ruling, Smith replied that he did. “Really?” asked Professor Fry, “Where in the Constitution does it say that separate but equal treatment is unconstitutional?”

What followed cannot be directly verified since Winston was unavailable for comment, but we have been able to piece together a general narrative from various classmates present during class. “I was on Facebook,” said peer Mike Jones, “but I heard Winston try to defend why hamsters cannot be elected to Congress even though there is nothing in the Constitution that forbids it.”

“I don’t know what’s going on in that class,” confessed 1L Mary Shelley, “I just flip through my Constitution and try to look busy. But I heard Professor Fry ask Winston about the Equal Protection Clause, Commerce Power and if the President has the power to enter your house and upper decker your toilet whenever he wants.”

Following class, Winston was overheard muttering, “I don’t know what’s real anymore. Nothing is Constitutional.” He then proceeded to drive home while refusing to stop on red and blowing though stop signs. According to an unnamed eye witness, Winston was heard shouting, “This is not part of interstate commerce!” as he flipped off the traffic signal and blew through red lights.

That evening, Winston was seen walking naked through his apartment complex with his copy of the Constitution. He was heard asking trees if they are “necessary and proper” as he feverishly thumbed through the Constitution. He was also seen trying to capture a stray cat that he named Lochner, as he screamed about government seizures and repeatedly exclaimed “We are all the government!” The Misnomer is happy to report that Lochner escaped unharmed.

The next morning, the situation took a turn for the worse as Winston was seen on the roof of his apartment building. The police and fire department quickly responded. Through a bullhorn, they tried to convince Winston to not jump. “The law of gravity is unconstitutional!” shouted Winston. “There is nothing in the Constitution about the law of gravity, therefore it does not survive strict scrutiny.”

Luckily, Winston was talked down from the building when the police negotiator convinced him that a 28th Amendment had just been ratified which recognized the law of gravity.

Winston was taken to a psychiatrist who was baffled about how to help Winston. “He is at a critical junction,” said psychiatrist Dr. Jones, “he will either get Constitutional Law or his brain will overload and he’ll have to be institutionalized. There is nothing I can do for him.” Winston replied, “Is that Constitutional?”

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