TEMPE, AZ—After a long and bitter primary fight where he struggled to energize literally anyone, Jeb Bush has reportedly decided his post-election plans include becoming an editor of the Arizona State Law Review. Bush cited using the power of obligation to “pack the hall” as a source of motivation to take the position of Law Review editor.
“1Ls will come to my Law Review seminars because they have to,” said Bush with a sheepish grin. “No matter how redundant or unnecessary the information, I know I can really pack the hall with ASU Law’s 1L class if I require them to be there in order to further their career.” Bush went on to describe how the first half of his mandatory Law Review meeting would be a verbatim repeat of the Law Review’s meeting a few weeks prior.
Tired from a long and brutal primary fight against juggernaut Donald Trump, Bush claimed that the repeated bullying and humiliation he suffered did not provide the American people with a fair shot at considering him for President.
“I don’t think the nation had a fair chance to really get to know my personality or my sense of humor, but I think being Law Review editor will give me the opportunity to dazzle a captive audience with my spirited speaking style on any given required Monday morning,” said a jovial Bush.
During his first mandatory meeting, a despondent Bush told joke after joke, each of which fell flatter than the last. At the conclusion of the mandatory morning event, Bush, with tears in his eyes, threw himself at the mercy of the 150 blearly-eyed 1Ls.