TEMPE, AZ—The Sandra Day O’Connor College of Law put to rest accusations of “outdated and backwards bigotry” this past Monday morning, announcing the new campus in downtown Phoenix will have gender-neutral restrooms exclusively.
“Each bathroom will contain a single toilet for those who identify as people who sit while relieving themselves, and a single urinal on the wall for any gender-nonspecific individuals who prefer to stand while peeing,” said Dean Douglas Sylvester in prepared statement.
“Also, while we don’t promote it for sanitary reasons, we do recognize that some members of our College are adamant about standing while pooping in urinals, and we would like to make it clear that the College doesn’t discriminate against their sense of identity either,” the Dean continued while gesturing vaguely in the direction of Assistant Dean Tom Williams.
According to a report released after the Dean’s statement, each bathroom will have a door that locks from the inside. This is “to promote the visitor’s sense of security by ensuring they will not have to share a space with someone who may identify as a different gender.”
Dean Sylvester also noted that, although the doors do lock, there is not a one-person-at-a-time policy, “per the request of the Federalist Society.”
Each restroom allows a visitor to swipe their SunCard before entering. Provided the student or faculty member has updated their profile on my.asu, the restroom will change its lighting to a preselected color of the person’s choosing. Furthermore, the person has the option to have a certain playlist of music play while they occupy the restroom. If a SunCard is not swiped before entering, the restroom speakers will play the sound of a gently babbling brook. (Editor’s note: An earlier version of this article said that the default sound would be “white noise, played at a comfortable volume.” The College has since redacted and replaced this policy.)
On the face of each restroom door will be a square grey plaque reading, “Restroom.” Dean Sylvester claimed that beneath that will be “a completely gender-ambiguous figure resembling a homo sapien. The image will be definite enough to suggest a human being, but blurry enough to leave its gender completely unrecognizable.” Asked for clarification, the Dean produced a slightly blurred photograph of Steven Tyler.
When asked whether the restrooms would contain tampons for purchase by women, the Dean responded carefully, “Well I don’t know about ‘tampons for purchase by women,’ but tampons will be available for anyone who needs them. We’ll be attaching a Buzzfeed listicle to each dispenser: ‘7 Practical Uses for Tampons You’ve Never Thought Of.’ We don’t want anyone who identifies as non-menstruating to think we’re catering to those who have different needs than them.”
At the conclusion of his remarks, the Dean invited questions. After a few logistical inquiries from various students and members of the press, a student wearing a “Cruzing to the Whitehouse” T-shirt approached the microphone while vigorously thumbing through his Bible.
“Thank you!” the Dean said, rising from his seat. “Unfortunately, that’s all the time I have today.” He promptly left the stage, leaving a sweaty PR agent to address further questions.