PHOENIX, AZ—This week, the Dean of the Sandra Day O’Connor College of Law made an announcement described by many as “groundbreaking,” “eye-opening,” and “Trump-esque.”
As of September 2016, the Dean notified law school alumni and members of the Phoenix legal community that all donations in excess of $5,000 would grant the donor “the right to name a student after themselves, their firm, or whatever their organization may be.”
“Naturally, we’re excited to announce this new fundraising initiative,” lauded the Dean, speaking in front of the College’s new 30’ x 40’ jumbotron, on which “USNWR #1 in Innovation” pulsated. “We were running out of things to put people’s names on, then we thought: Why not students? We get a fresh batch of marketable bodies each year, and it seems fiscally irresponsible of us to just go after them for tuition.
“We know lots of people think we’ll name anything for the right price,” the Dean said. At this point, the crowd was distracted as a ten-feet-tall letter “A” crashed to the ground outside, and a crew hauled up a newly minted “B” in its place. “That just isn’t true.”
Student pricing is staggered by year and GPA: 1Ls are more expensive than 3Ls due simply to the fact that they will be around campus longer; Students with higher GPAs are only acquirable through larger donations. First semester 1Ls, therefore, have a precariously high risk-reward factor.
“Obviously, everyone wants to claim a student who’s going to be around for the longest amount of time,” the Dean noted, “but it’s risky claiming a 1L in the fall. Nobody wants to have their name slapped on the forehead of some kid who turns out to be a straight C+ mouth breather.”
When asked how he felt about the new initiative, Perkins Coie Student #4 (a 2L formerly named Alex Richardson) responded, “I think it’s great the school found a way to raise money without raising tuition. Since I’m already out of state, that was a big concern for me. The tattoo wasn’t ideal,” he went on, scratching at his still-bleeding forehead, “but they did give me a $10 Chick Fil A voucher. So, you know, pros and cons.”
The Senator John McCain Student—3L Nathan Trawler, who ironically is a Democrat—was not so ambivalent about the situation.
“The tattoo hurt like hell. Plus, I don’t even like Chick Fil A, I’m a vegetarian. And the shirt they make me wear is too small,” he muttered, tugging at the black T-Shirt, “McCain 2016,” etched across his chest.
He also informed us that he is required to check in on the College’s new app every weekday. “They can always see where I am. And if I don’t spend at least five hours each day on campus, I get all sorts of awful messages.
“Yesterday I was in the bathroom for ten minutes, and the Senator texted me, ‘Shit or get off the pot, son.’ I was just trying to get a coffee stain out of my shirt.”
The Senator John McCain Student then left, giving us a chance to see “Ann Kirkpatrick murders unborn children” on the back of his shirt.
In lieu of naming students and for more modest sums, the school also announced it would allow donors to name the clocks, door card scanners, and bathroom soap dispensers throughout the building: $800 for the ones that work, and $400 for the ones that don’t.
At the time this article was written, the College had received dozens of $400 donations. Attorney Don Friedrichsen donated $1,600 for two functioning soap dispensers, but was instead forced to accept two broken soap dispensers and two clocks, each 4 hours and 22 minutes slow.
“Apparently they couldn’t find anything that worked.”